Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Heat's LiveJournal:

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Friday, May 11th, 2012
12:24 pm	Things aren't going as well as I won't. It's all my fault, so I'm not pointing fingers and bringing up circumstances. I'm heading home for two weeks and when I come back, I have to find a job or sell something to pay my fucking rent in July. *sighs* I need to learn how to manage my funds better... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
2:43 am	Always the loser I am falling once again. I keep saying this, but I see it now - I'm definitely my worst enemy. How do I get so easily knocked off course? I feel so lost and confused. I hate feeling helpless, truly I do? Here I thought that I was becoming more empowered. However, that's the cruelest joke that's ever been played on me. So far, I lied. So far, I haven't worked hard like I should have. Can things change for the better? Sure, they can. Will I allow that? Probably not, because I have the attention of a fucking six year old. Here I am, cursing out of frustration and because of the utter disappointment that I feel for myself. I have to do better, I just have to... (Comment on this)
Monday, March 12th, 2012
1:04 am	I'm not going to fail I am so easily deterred, so easily discouraged. I messed up a bit, just a little. But things aren't bad as I think, I can make it through - I gotta. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
11:07 pm	I'm working a little harder. I hate to admit it, but programming is way harder than I thought it would be. I'm starting to question if I can truly do it or not. I've been looking for people who wouldn't mind teaming up with me in my class, but no one seems to want to do that. Kinds of make me wonder, but I'll learn. I was working on my stats homework and Kushina popped into my head. She's pretty and smart, so why she want to waste her time with a loser whom doesn't seem fully committed. I do realize now that I have a very short attention span. Whenever I read something that class related, I can only do so for about an hour and a half. So I'm working on concentrating and I'm about try to finish my math home work and study for the quiz I have in Discrete Mathematics tomorrow. Oh yeah, my friend is coming to visit me this weekend. My sis came last weekend to spend my birthday with me. I don't have time to waste. Got a paper due Saturday night and a ton of homework to do. I hope I can get the hang of studying correctly. I hope I can concentrate. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012
1:12 am	Epiphany Yesterday, I felt a little embarrassed. I failed my first test and I just couldn't help feeling ashamed. I moved two-hundred, forty-three miles away from home in order to grow as a person. I moved in order to break the chains that I felt were binding me. Now, I'm starting to believe I'm the chain. It's early in the game and I'm not giving up! I sacrificed a lot in order to come here and now I'm going to give up a few more things to ensure this work! I won't let my mama, family, friends or myself down! Failure isn't an option, it's sink or swim DAMNIT!!! I have to get some sleep now. I'm going to the library to study. I'm not just going to sit there and read and re-read. I'm not leaving until the shit is festering in my brain! Bro give me strength! Or I forgot to mention, it's this woman who is in the class I'm fucking up in and she's beautiful. I'll refer to her a Kushina. Why? Because she has the prettiest red hair that I've ever seen! Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2012
10:59 pm	Pep Talk Don't fail. You're here to find answers. More time is passing, you're getting older and you are running low on choices. Embrace the opportunity you've been given. Learn to prioritize. Don't fall into the same infinite loop that you were in before. Work. Learn. Grow. Answers are out there, you just have to have the desire to find them. Use your schedule - utilize your time. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 11th, 2012
4:58 pm	You gave up a lot to be here and you're fucking up so early in the game!!! You cannot afford to go home a loser, you head hung in shame! Sacrifice, that word is invaluable. You have to give it all up to gain something. You're not the brightest and hell, at this point, you're not even the most determined. But you have to work to become the person you want to be and it won't be easy because you are going against your very nature. Just keep working at it and eventually, you'll become who you want to be. Anything that you want, isn't easy to come by. The easy way out won't be of any help, so let go of all the childish things. Let go of all the simple desires and focus on bigger things. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
12:01 am	Breathless Earlier tonight, while I was waiting for the bus to arrive, I saw this beautiful woman at the bus stop. I can't stress enough how breathtaking she was! She was beautiful, she really had great fashion since, and I am willing to bet that she's very intelligent. Any of those reasons make her way out of my league, but those things I listed didn't even scratch the surface. I have never been the sort of guy who prayed to meet see anyone again, but I pray I get to see her again. I hope that I can build the nerve to speak to her. I would love nothing more than to talk to her for a little while. Over tea, coffee, dinner, even while waiting on the bus - none of it matters, I just want to have that chance to speak. Lol, I haven't wrote in quite a while and when I do, it's about a woman - go figure. :P Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 2nd, 2012
5:19 pm	I skipped comp 101 today. I had to come home to catch the ups man. That's the last class I'm going to skip this semester, especially since that's the class I need help in. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 1st, 2012
10:35 pm	I will be studying mathematics for the next fifteen hours ( hope it's enough) so that I can take statistics and pre-calculus classes this semester. This is going to be fun! I really need to prioritize! Seems like I wait until the very last minute to do anything. Life won't wait for me to get my shit together. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2011
1:17 pm	Getting Into Gear Okay, it has been such a long time since I've done any math. And now, I'll have to cram three years of classes in tonight in order to pass the entry exam tonight. It's funny how easily you can forget everything you've learned in such a short amount of time. I have all my classes in order with the exception of math. So I'm going to have a good time studying tonight. Both my mp3 players are broken, but at least I can listen to AOL music on my laptop - so I guess I'm not completely screwed. I thought I would have time to talk to my friends on skype tonight - guess not. Current Mood: enthralled (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 8th, 2011
12:15 pm	Rambling Again It's odd, but sometimes when I seeing her - it's like I'm see her for the very first time. I don't really like to talk about women. What's the point in doing so, I often wonder. It was just that when I seen her yesterday, I couldn't think of anything else. My mind is like filled with images of her and nothing else. With me, it's not love or lust. I just thought she looked beautiful in what she had on. I liked the way her hair was brushed. I liked the subtle movements she made. That feeling from yesterday lingered into today, but the feeling was different. Can't really describe it - it's like a sadness or an emptiness of sorts. I don't know why it occurred, it just did. I always say to myself, "I want to be stronger in all aspects." But I lack will and discipline. I can't block out everything around me. I can't control my feelings. I'm always looking to be accepted by someone or seen by anyone. Funny thing is, it's not what I want. Or maybe it's what I want at the moment. I'm perfectly content seeking out the answers on my own. Never had a hint of guidance from anyone. Just a lot of put downs. It's time I shake this feeling. I have to stop it, I have to abandon my feelings. I've always wanted to be cool, calm, and collective. Seems I can only be that way when I'm detached. It feels like I'll be abandoning my humanity or something... Well, fuck it... Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Friday, October 28th, 2011
11:39 pm	So, I've been looking at apartments in Kansas City and I have no idea how I'm going to afford it. I may have to sell some of my things and I'm okay with that. Thing is I am still looking for a job and since it's the holiday season, it should be easier to find something temporary, which is all I'm looking for anyway. I'm also waiting for my award letter from UMKC, I plan to use most of it to pay for the apartment for a few days. I'm a bit apprehensive and a bit scared. To move somewhere new and dive into school again is a bit nerve-wrecking and I realize that it will be exciting. I really hope things work out. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 26th, 2011
1:14 am	Coincidentally I'm the poster child for buying champagne on a beer budget these days. Recently, I've decided to buy more things than video games, books, and music. I thought the best way to change myself is to work on my outside appearance. I mean, I never buy clothing. So for a couple of weeks, I've been looking at a black pea coat and it's not as costly as most, but way beyond my budget. So after debating over, I decided to buy it. That thing cost $86. Then I bought myself a comforter set $60 and in a few weeks, I'm planning on buying an I-Phone (16 gigs) for $200!!! I'm not ashamed to say that the money I make isn't enough to keep covering these urges to buy new things. Shit, I am only concerned about paying my mama and I don't really care about the rest. Despite all the nagging, I'm glad that I am spending my money on something entirely different than what I'm used to. I mean, I was about to say fuck the coat and buy Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 (I mean, hell, Virgil is on it!). But don't get it twisted, I still bought a book. It's a little book called, "Melmoth the Wanderer" by Charles Robert Maturin. I hope it's interesting... (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 23rd, 2011
5:49 pm	Too Big For My Britches No matter how old I get, I never grow up. It's like the whole concept of evolution never registered with me. Like most people, I seek to change my ways. But like all people, I'm a creature of habit. It's nature's sadistic way of making sure that some of us never get too big for our britches. I don't know, it just seems like lately. I feel like I'm being left behind by the whole world. The fact that I'm getting older and still fret over the same things seems a bit weird. Hell, even stranger is the fact that I haven't grown at all. I have yet to have the most common of life's experiences. At this point, my nieces and nephews would have seen more than I did. If I keep continuing down this path, my life will be filled with regret. I don't really care about catching up with anyone. I mean, life isn't a race. I just want to stop denying myself every little thing. I don't know if it's because I don't feel I deserve them or because I'm scared or what. Thing is, I have to try and try hard! I can't keep going on like this, it's not healthy. I guess it's time I grew up and lived a bit. I guess it's time to stop being scared. I guess it's time to stop being so hesitant. I guess it's time to take chances. I guess it's time that I actually took a hold of something and press it close to my heart. On a totally different subject... My niece stole my Zune and I haven't been able to listen to any music. She also destroyed my laptop screen and I have to hook it up to a HDTV to view it. Oh yeah and the damn DVD/CD Rom stopped working. So I will have start buying my music online. *sighs* (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 5th, 2011
12:35 am	It's funny how the mind works. Today, I was sitting at work reading a book on c++ and started thinking of my old college algebra teacher. Then I started thinking about how much I enjoyed the classes and the people at the community college I went to. Suddenly, I was flooded with all these old feelings. It felt so good that I teared up. Finally, I regretted that I didn't take advantage of those moments. I regretted that I never got to know anyone better. I regretted the fact that I didn't write down anyone's name so I could facebook them later. I am beginning to learn that regret is my major theme and that the past is the only thing that keeps me company in the current. It's sad and I know I shouldn't live like that. I act like everything is behind me - I just don't know how else to think. I feel so alone. I feel so far away. I keep talking shit about moving forward and I've yet to do so. I keep walking around with this ball and chain and it seems to grow heavier with each step. I need to sever this chain with seems to bind me. Give me strength to grow. It's not enough to ask for it, I know. I have to put forth the effort to make this desire a reality. Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 4th, 2011
1:42 pm	There have been moments that I felt ignored. There have been moments when I could sense the beginning of the end. Back then I could handle the latter. Back then, I was afraid of change. Now, I welcome it. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2011
11:03 pm	Shattered Today, I felt a bit lonely and out of place. On Sunday, it will be six years to the day that my friend passed away. You know what makes it strange? What makes it strange is it will be the anniversary of his death was on a Sunday. Six years ago, I thought I was heading somewhere. I actually thought I had an inkling, a slight indication of who I wanted to be. Fuck it, I've been lost every since. All this time passed by and I haven't changed. I haven't evolved, not at all. Still the same old me and it's pitiful. I just have to learn how to let go. Nothing matters, not really... (Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2011
5:45 pm	I guess it's time that I truly worked on finding my own path to happiness. I can never figure out what path to take, but I realize now - I should take the hardest one. I need the challenge. I need to tackle hardships to find my answers. How can I be so foolish as to believe that... I could ever belong? *sighs* I have a few things to wrap up and after that, a few to give up. God, give me strength to endure so that I can find the answer. And brother, watch over me and guide me ... I don't believe in fate or destiny. To me, they're just words. I'm happy, believe me... Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 17th, 2011
2:52 am	The Collapse A few hours ago, I decided that I was going to head out to the balloon glow after work. I got off the train and followed some people around, hoping that they knew the way. Instead of staying on the path with the people who were heading to the event, I strayed off and ended up following some students back to their university. After that, I gave up on the whole idea and headed home. But during the time I was walking around in the park, I felt alone. Here it is, a beautiful night and the atmosphere is festive. People are laughing and smiling with their friends and here I am, alone - as usual. It seems like no matter who I befriend, near or far, it doesn't do me any good. Eventually, people leave and focus on their own lives. Loyalty or concern doesn't come up, no one seems to care. I try not to give up on anyone. I try to have faith in people, but why? What good has all this faith ever gotten me? Pain, regret, malice, sadness... I need to change my attitude, that's what I need to do. I'm always so hopeful, but at this point - I'm broken. Hell, I'm tired... I'm always alone and you know what, I should remain that way. I think I'm going to cut the few ties I have left. I'm starting to believe that it was always meant to be this way. I am not doing anything out of spite. I just feel I need to think about my feelings for once. I need to think about myself and stop worrying about people who don't care two flying fucks about me! I will always believe that people can change. I'll always believe that kindness isn't bias. I'll always believe in people. I just won't believe that anyone is capable of being someone I can trust. If I'm wrong, then I will still be in the same position. If I'm right, then at least I won't be any worse of as I would be if I was wrong. It's a win, win. Current Mood: cynical (Comment on this)